HOW TO APOLOGIZE TO A LOVED ONE IN 9 STEPS - GEOGRAFÍA - 2025

Learning how to apologize to a loved one is important to reestablish trust, restore security to the one you have offended and promote a new commitment in your relationship.

Forgiveness has been studied relatively recently and most of the research has focused on the person who forgives, ignoring the offending person to a greater extent. The person who asks for forgiveness faces, in the first place, to forgive himself, being at the same time the one who offends and the one who grants forgiveness to himself.

What is forgiveness?

Authors and research have tried to clarify and define the construct of forgiveness without reaching agreement. Some authors define it under positive dimensions, such as the ability of a human being to be empathetic, reconcile, understand and forget.

On the other hand, different authors define forgiveness not from the positive but from the absence of the negative (there is no resentment, the person overcomes hatred, rage and revenge).

Forgiveness to oneself has been defined by some authors (Cornish and Wade, 2015) as “a process where the person accepts responsibility for having done harm to another, expresses remorse, and is involved to restore the damage done through reparative behaviors and he achieves self-respect, he accepts himself and his self-pity ».

Forgiveness has not been considered relevant to the study for a few years. Internationally, from the 90s, it began to be considered, and it was not until the decade in which we find ourselves, that it has been taken into account in our country.

Within the framework of positive psychology, which has rebounded in recent years and where personal strengths are emphasized, forgiveness and its components have received more attention.

To forgive is not to forget, since in order to do so, the memory of the offense is inescapable. Furthermore, reconciling the offender with the offended person only makes sense when a prior bond has taken place between the two.

Benefits of forgiving

Forgiving has positive psychological effects for the offended person: it allows them not to live tormented and anchored in the past offense, improves their health and restores inner peace.

The ability to forgive depends on different factors such as: the previous history between the two, how the offense has been perceived, how the person who has been offended conceives life, their value system and what attitude the offender has taken.

When the subjects are able to forgive, all the thoughts, emotions and behaviors towards that person become more positive and help to change their interpersonal motivations.

Asking another person for forgiveness requires that we have recognized the damage we have done, that we have repented, that we feel compassion for the person we have offended and that we request it by adding a repair in the bond.

Forgiveness is linked to psychological well-being and directly influences the mental health of the people involved.

How to apologize to a loved one in 9 steps

1. Accept responsibility for what you have done

To facilitate forgiveness, it is important that you take responsibility for your actions. Sometimes when we offend another person, we try to exonerate ourselves by avoiding responsibility and blame others for what we have done.

Sometimes we justify everything we have done at all costs and try to avoid situations or people that remind us of what we have done. All of this would harm true forgiveness.

If we do this, we are making it difficult to accept responsibility for what we have done. It is a strategy by which we externalize responsibility for the act committed and neutralize the guilt we feel.

It would be a mechanism by which the offense carried out is denied and thus focuses on emotion. In order to apologize to another person, it is important that you think about what responsibility you have in everything that has happened.

2. Don't condemn yourself, keep going!

After you have accepted your own responsibility for what happened, it is time to move on. It is not appropriate to blame others and not accept your own responsibility, but it is also not appropriate to internalize the blame and act with shame, guilt and self-punishment.

Accepting responsibility moves us to ask for forgiveness, but excessively negative emotions can paralyze us and not act appropriately.

Some authors speak of distinguishing between "remorse" that helps us, because it is beneficial by helping us feel regret and humility in the face of what happened, and self-condemnation, which would be what we are talking about.

Forgiveness that is born of remorse would be true forgiveness, but forgiveness that is born of shame would lead to self-condemnation.

Shame, according to some authors, arises from the fact that a person feels that he is unworthy or bad and therefore is not ready for forgiveness, because he focuses on digesting the weight that shame produces.

3. Forgive yourself

Many times, when one person offends another, they experience guilt and remorse for what happened. This can help us motivate change and repair our relationship with that person.

Some research indicates that remorse can express the value that the person who has offended another places on their relationship with them.

The important thing is to recognize the past, experience the emotions that lead us to regret and behave to face what happened by amending what has been done.

In all this process, you must recover the image of yourself as a good person who has made a mistake, and therefore, reconcile with yourself.

It is a coping that focuses on solving the problem and that is born to change the situation that caused all the negative feelings.

Nobody is totally good or totally white, there are grays. And we are all wrong. You must be tolerant with your failures and your faults and accept that you can be wrong.

4. Analyze and acknowledge the damage you have done

Many times we are not aware of the damage we have done and the suffering of the person we have offended. You also need to acknowledge your emotions, the feelings of disappointment or sadness you have, and the feelings that led you to perform the behavior.

Become aware of your emotions and when they arise and why, this is part of self-knowledge and intrapersonal intelligence (your own emotional intelligence). Being aware is the first step in being able to control it.

Recognizing the damage done implies offering the person an explanation, but as we say, no excuses or justifications for what has been done. Focus your explanations on yourself and what went wrong.

Many times we say "it is that you have made me nervous", "it is that you drive me out of my boxes". These types of phrases are "you-phrases", where you blame the other person for your mistake. This implies that your forgiveness is not sincere.

5. Pity and empathize with the victim

This step is closely linked to the previous one. When we recognize that we have harmed the other person, we approach their position and understand and empathize with their pain.

Forgiving does not just mean reaching out to the other person to apologize if there really isn't a deep internal process of empathy and communication with the other person.

You should not only recognize that you have hurt him but be aware internally, putting yourself in the place of the other person and coming to feel their pain.

6. Think if you are really sorry and analyze your behavior

It is important that you analyze your behavior and what really led you to offend the other person. Many times, even that person will ask you when you approach to apologize.

Sharing with her, when necessary, the motivations that led you to the behavior can help move forward in forgiveness and reconciliation.

You should not confuse it with excuses, but only as behavior analysis, because this will undoubtedly lead you to do things better the next time. If you are not aware, you cannot improve.

7. Establish an action plan

Establishing an action plan addresses two fundamental and different issues. In the first place, and from the previous phase, it follows that, when one has analyzed his behavior, he is more prepared to know what went wrong.

The action plan refers to knowing how to distinguish in what other way we could have acted so as not to offend the person. It's about making a plan for how you could act next time.

Sharing it with the victim is an important step in asking for forgiveness and facilitating reconciliation. For example, you can include in the plan what has failed in you or in the circumstances and try to strengthen your weaknesses to do better next time.

It is important that the objectives you set are concrete and achievable, so you must make them operational. We are not talking about intentions, but about plans with actions that you can carry out.

And of course, committing, otherwise it would be of no use and it would be in borage water.

Your action plan can also address how you will ask for forgiveness. Once you have recognized the fact and have empathized with the victim, you can choose how it may be appropriate to apologize, which will be the next step.

The most sincere way is face to face, but there are other people who as intermediate steps feel more comfortable writing a letter, for example, where they express all of the above.

It can be a good way as long as you wind up later by facing the situation in person and talking to her about what happened.

8. Explicitly ask for forgiveness

Although this step is the most visible and where we verbalize forgiveness to the other person, it is not for that reason the most important.

In everyday life, this is often considered the only step to take into account when we ask for forgiveness from another person. Nothing is further from reality.

In fact, if you think about it carefully, many times someone has come to ask us for forgiveness and we have said "you are always asking me for forgiveness for the same thing", or "I forgive you, but tomorrow you will do the same to me again."

They are clear examples that the previous steps have failed and that asking for forgiveness does not make any true sense if we do not take into account the previous steps.

Many other times, when someone has asked us for forgiveness, we have thought that their forgiveness "had not sounded true", and this happens for the same reason. The person realizes when it is a genuine request for an apology or not.

This step should include previous steps, where we communicate to the person what we feel, what we have thought we are going to do, etc. And communicate it verbally.

The other person must understand that your request for forgiveness is not in vain and that it is framed by a plan and deep and committed feelings. Many times we find it difficult to say it.

You can practice what you want to say before if it makes you feel more comfortable, but be clear that if your request for forgiveness is genuinely born and you have done the previous steps, you will not need to practice it because the person will realize that your request is sincere.

When apologizing, the best thing is that you choose well, choose the moment, and that you slowly and calmly express what you care about. Don't look for excuses or conflict, this is not the time to do that.

When it comes to apologizing, it is important that you start by apologizing for what happened, express later that you are sorry, focusing on the emotions that offending you has produced.

Continue with empathy, indicating how he should feel and that you understand that he is angry about what happened. It ends up offering a solution, a different path.

9. Restores the damage caused through direct / indirect reparation behaviors

It is necessary to restore the damage that we have produced in the person. And we can do all this through reparative behaviors. Also, these reparative behaviors can be good strategies to control feelings of guilt.

Be available to the other person, to your demands and keep in mind that you must rebuild trust.

References

1. Echeburúa, E. (2013). The psychological value of forgiveness in victims and offenders. Eguzkilore, 27, 65-72.
2. Flores Portal, IC (2009). Forgiveness as human potential. Themat. Psicol., 5 (1), 59-63.
3. García Higuera, JA Forgive and ask for forgiveness.
4. Maganto, C., Garaigordobil, M. (2010). Evaluation of forgiveness: generational differences and sex differences. Latin American Journal of Psychology, 42 (3), 391-403.
5. Prieto-Ursúa, M., Echegoyen, I. (2015). Self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, or intrapersonal restoration? Open questions in the psychology of forgiveness. Papers of the Psychologist, 36 (3), 230-237.