I leave you the best funny and funny humorous phrases that will cheer up your day and make you laugh. They are witty, humorous and mischievous quotes from anonymous authors and famous authors such as Groucho Marx, Mark Twain, Theodore Roosevelt, Walt Whitman, Sigmund Freud or Woody Allen.
Humor is proven to be good for well-being and happiness. It helps to release stress and see life's difficulties from a more positive perspective. You may also be interested in these sarcastic phrases, these from Woody Allen or these from Groucho Marx.
Funny quotes to laugh
-If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
-A policeman stopped me and said "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and she left.
-If I won the award for laziness, I'd send someone to pick it up for me.
-My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.
-Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
-Never judge a book by its movie.
-When people tell me "you will regret that in the morning", I sleep until I wake up in the afternoon, because I am a problem solver.
-To make the time fly, throw the clock out the window.
-A balanced diet is having a cupcake in each hand.
-Today someone told me I was lazy. I almost answered him.
-I made a huge to-do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.
-My friend, remember that without stupidity there would be no intelligence, and without ugliness, there would be no beauty, so the world needs you after all.
-My smartphone ignores me, I keep clicking the Home button and when I look around, I'm still working.
-As your best friend, I will always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.
-If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off?
-I wonder how the bicycle police arrest people. "Well, get in the basket."
-Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to separate us.
-I changed my password everywhere to "wrong". This way, when I forget it, it always reminds me: "Your password is wrong."
-What do I do for a living? I inhale and exhale.
-I just wanted you to know that someone cares about you. Not to me, but to someone yes.
-Dear math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.
-At night, I can't fall asleep. In the morning, I can't get up.
-Doing nothing is difficult, you never know when you're done.
-My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so that people don't think I'm dead.
-Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could hit eight people at the same time.
-Some people are like clouds. When they leave, it's a brighter day.
-Seeing a cockroach in my room is not scary. It is when it disappears.
-Don't you know where your children are in the house? Turn off the internet and they will appear.
-Sunglasses: allow you to look at people without being caught. It's like Facebook in real life.
- Maybe if we told people that the brain is an application, they would start using it.
-It's always fun until someone gets hurt. So it's really fun.-Bill Hicks.
-I used to think that I'm indecisive, but now I'm not sure.-Anonymous.
-If the phone doesn't ring it's me.-Jimmy Buffet.
-Now I begin to remember, but I do not remember anything! -Homer Simpson.
-The important thing is not to know, but to have the phone number of the person who knows. Anonymous.
-My plastic plants died because I did not seem to water them.-Mitch Hedberg.
-I hate being bipolar, it's a fantastic feeling.-Anonymous.
-The first time I sang in church; two hundred people changed their religion.-Fred Allen.
-I'm not lazy, I'm in energy saving mode.
-Time is precious, waste it wisely.
-Facebook-wasting time since 2004.
-The only reason I'm fat is because this little body can't handle such a personality.
-My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I asked for a second opinion. She told me she was also ugly.-Rodney Dangerfield.
-Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.-Mark Twain.
-If you could kick the person responsible for most of your problems, you could not sit in a month-Theodore Roosevelt.
-I looked at my family tree and found that I was the toad.-Rodney Dangerfield.
-People who think they know everything are a great annoyance for which if we know everything.-Isaac Asimov.
-When you are in love are the two and a half most glorious days of your life.-Richard Lewis.
-I think if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find someone to whom life gives vodka and have a party.-Ron White.
-A day without sun is, you know, the night.-Steve Martin.
-Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.-Margaret Mead.
-Procastinar is to maintain the rhythm of yesterday.-Don Marquis.
-I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I did not want to interrupt her.-Rodney Dangerfield.
-A word to the wise is not necessary-it is the stupid who need advice.-Bill Cosby.
-Sexual inactivity is dangerous, it produces horns.-Anonymous.
19-The mind of a woman is cleaner than that of men: they clean it more often-Oliver Herford.
-I found that there is only one way to appear skinny: to go out with fat people.-Rodney Dangerfield.
-Get facts first, then you can distort them to your liking.-Mark Twain.
-A successful man is one who earns more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.-Lana Turner.
-I always wanted to be someone, but now I realize that I should have been more specific.-Lily Tomlin.
-It is incredible that the news that occurs in the world daily, always fits in the newspaper.-Jerry Seinfield.
-Laugh and the world will laugh with you, snore and you will sleep alone.-Anthony Burgess.
-Wine is the proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.-Benjamin Franklin.
-They say that marriage is made in heaven. But also the lightning and thunder.-Clint Eastwood.
-I refuse to be part of a club that had me as a member.-Groucho Marx.
-Any woman can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. Hedy Lamarr.
-I do not doubt that I deserved my enemies, but I do not think I deserved my friends.-Walt Whitman.
-I saw a woman wearing a hoodie that said Guess. Said; Thyroid problems? -Arnold Schwarzenegger.
-There are only three things that women need in life: food, water and compliments.-Chris Rock.
-I hate housework! You make the beds, clean the dishes and six months later you have to start over.-Joan Rivers.
-If you want your wife to listen to you, talk to another woman; It will be all ears.-Sigmund Freud.
-Don't worry about avoiding temptations. As you get older they will avoid you.-Joey Adams.
-I like long walks, especially when taken by people who annoy me.-Fred Allen.
-I love deadlines. I like the hissing sound they make when flying away.-Douglas Adams.
-The only thing I regret in this life is not being someone else.-Woody Allen.
-There can't be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.-Henry A. Kissinger.
-I never drink water for the unpleasant things that fish do in it.-WC Fields.
-I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that the toys in my bathroom were a toaster and a radio.-Joan Rivers.
-Age is something that does not matter, unless you are a cheese.-Luis Buñuel.
-Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.-Groucho Marx.
-I never said most of the things I said.-Yogi Berra.
-If you want them to think you are a liar, always tell the truth.-Logan Pearsall Smith.
-A pessimist is a person who has listened to too many optimists.-Don Marquis.
-Only the mediocre are always at their best.-Jean Giradoux.
-You should never hit a fallen man, he can get up.
-I used to run but the ice cubes fell from my glass.-David Lee Roth.
-I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder that does it for me.-Stephen Fry.
-I have tried not to know anything about many things and I have been quite successful.-Robert Benchley.
-The cure for an obsession: get another. Mason Coooley.
-Before rejecting your questions, I declare to be open.-Ronald Reagan.
-I do not deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I do not deserve it.-Jack Benny.
-TV is gum for the eyes.-Frank Lloyd Wright.
-I buy expensive suits. They just seem cheap on me.-Warren Buffett.
-I failed to enter the chess team because of my height.-Woody Allen.
-Men are as loyal as their options.-Bill Maher.
-I do not believe in life after death, although I will take a change of underwear.-Woody Allen.
-I was born in very sad circumstances. Both of my parents felt very sad.-Norman Wisdom.
-I would love to kiss you but I just washed my hair.-Bette Davis.
-I spent a year in that town, a Sunday.-George Burns.
-When I was born, I owed twelve dollars.-George S. Kaufman.
-If at first you are not successful, blame your parents.-Marcelene Cox.
-If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets.-Mel Brooks.
-I used to sell furniture to live. The problem is that they were mine.-Les Dawson.
-I have to go to the eye doctor, but I never see the moment.-Anonymous.
-I do not think that anyone should write their autobiography until after death.-Samuel Goldwyn.
-The superfluous, something very necessary.-Voltaire.
-Everything is fun, while it is happening to someone else.-Will Rogers.
-I received attention being funny at school, pretending to be retarded and jumping around with a deformed hand.-Leonardo DiCaprio.
-If the mountain comes to you, run, because it is collapsing.-Anonymous.
-Some things are better left unsaid. But I'll get drunk and say them anyway.-Anonymous.
-I am so intelligent that sometimes I do not understand a single word of what I am saying.-Oscar Wilde.
- Borrow money from a pessimist. They do not expect to be returned.-Anonymous.
-Santa Claus had the right idea: he visits people once a year.-Víctor Borge.
-If it weren't for electricity, we would all be watching television with candles.-George Gobal.
-A celebrity is a person who works all his life to be known, then he wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.-Fred Allen.
-A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.-Arthur McBride Bloch.
-When I was a child, the dead sea was only sick.-George Burns.
-I can not understand why a person would spend a year writing a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.-Fred Allen.
-The only time a woman can be successful changing a man is when he is a baby.-Natalie Wood.
-Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.-Ronald Reagan.
-Love at first sight ends at the second.-Anonymous.
-The bad thing is not living in the clouds, but going down.-Anonymous.
- Inappropriate is fun for me. Being rude is very funny.-Zach Galifianakis.
-The best things in life make you fat, get drunk or get pregnant.
-Life is too short to be serious all the time. If you can't laugh, call me and I'll laugh at you.
-Like cake because it's someone's birthday somewhere.
-Everything is fun, as long as it happens to someone else.-Will Rogers.
-Don't think that you are an ugly person, think that you are a beautiful monkey.
-My psychologist told me that the best way to achieve inner peace is by finishing what I start. So far I have finished two bags of M & Ms and a chocolate cake. I already feel better.-Dave Barry.
-I'm too lazy to be lazy.
-The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day.
-Every weekend, what I like to do the most is to do nothing.
-My neighbors listen to good music. Like it or not.
-I learned law so well that the day I graduated I sued the university, I won the case and they returned my tuition.-Fred Allen.
-No man is really married until he understands all the words that his wife does not say to him.
-As I get older, I have realized that to please everyone is impossible, but making everyone angry is a piece of cake.
-When the brain and the heart fight each other, it is always the liver that suffers.
-I know the voices in my head aren't real. But sometimes his ideas are absolutely great.
-I love my job, only when I'm on vacation.
-Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
-Of course I have a talent. I am very good in bed. Sometimes I sleep more than 9 hours in a row.
-Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring and then I go back to being myself.
-Me and my bed, we are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to separate us.
-There is always light at the end of the tunnel. If there isn't, then it isn't a tunnel.
-Someday your prince charming will come. Mine took the wrong direction, got lost, and is very stubborn about asking for directions.
-Money does not buy you happiness, but it does make misery more bearable.
-The moment a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he is wrong.-Charles Wadsworth.
-Happiness is having a big, loving, attentive and close family in another city.-George Burns.
-They say: "don't try this at home", so I'm going to yours to try.
- Hypochondria is the only disease that I do not have.
-I could wake up early and work out, or I could win the lottery. The odds are the same.
-I never forget a face, but in your case, I will be happy to make an exception.-Groucho Marx.
-Organized people are simply too lazy to look for their things.
-Never test how deep the water is with both feet.
-Sorry, if you were correct, I would agree with you.-Robin Williams.
-Alcohol does not solve any problem, but neither does milk.
-I give you some advice: in a job interview, say that you are not willing to give 110 percent. Unless the work is a statistician.-Adam Gropman.
-I just wanted to tell you that someone cares, not me, but someone does.
-If I am nobody, and nobody is perfect, then I am perfect.
-When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic.
- Laziness is nothing but the habit of resting before getting tired. –Jules Renard.
-Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? -John Barrymore.
-Silence is gold. Unless you have children, there it becomes suspicion.
-I think we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried it, but they wanted cash.
-I hate mosquitoes, I mean, I know I'm delicious, but I'm not handing out tastings.
-It might seem like I'm not doing anything, but in my head, I'm very busy.
-Friends come and go, but enemies remain and accumulate.
-Sometimes I drink water, just to surprise my liver.
-I don't need a hairdresser, my pillow combs my hair in different ways every morning.
-Why do people say "no offense", just before offending you?
-People have the right to be foolish. Some people abuse that privilege.
-God created the world, everything else is made in China.
-Don't worry if plan A fails. The alphabet has 26 other letters.
-The bank is a place that lends you money, only if you can prove that you don't need it.
-Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people seem brilliant until they speak.-Steven Wright.
-You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.
- "Revenge" sounds too aggressive, that's why I prefer to call it "return the favor."
-If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb to the top of your ego and jump towards your IQ level.
-I'm sorry for the bad, horrible and true things that I told you.
-Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, then you are drunk.
-When a woman says "what?", It is not that she has not listened to you. It is giving you the opportunity to change what you said.
-If people are talking bad about you behind your back, then fart yourself.
-If your parents never had children, chances are that you don't have either.
-When one door closes, another door must open, but if it does not, then enter through the window.
-Jellyfish have survived 500 million years as a species, surviving without a brain. This gives quite a few people hope.
-The problem with life is that when you know how to read women like a book, your library membership has already expired.-Milton Berle.