The emotional blackmail, emotional manipulation or psychological manipulation occurs when a manipulative person tends to persuade others to do things for her convenience than for others.

The emotional manipulator therefore benefits at the expense of others; uses mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention of taking power, control, benefits and / or privileges at the expense of the victim.

It is important to distinguish healthy social influence from emotional blackmail. Healthy social influence occurs among most people, and is part of the give and take in constructive relationships. In psychological manipulation, a person is used for the benefit of another person.

The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power and exploits the victim to serve him in what he wants to achieve. According to George K. Simon, psychological manipulation involves:

• Hide aggressive intentions and behaviors.
• Know the psychological vulnerabilities of the victim to determine which tactics are the most effective.
• Have a sufficient level of cruelty to have no qualms about causing harm to the victim if necessary.
• The manipulation is likely to be carried out through aggressive covert means (relational aggressive or passive aggressive).

In this article I will show you ways to recognize manipulative people and disarm blackmailers, a capacity that will save you many problems and frustrations in your daily life.

Day by day we meet a multitude of people in our environment. Among them, the manipulators will try to quickly gain trust with you to take advantage of the relationship.

What does an emotional manipulator do to control his victim?

Researcher Braiker identified different ways that handlers control their victims:

• Positive reinforcement: praise, superficial charm, superficial sympathy (crocodile tears), excessive apologies, offering money, offering approval, gifts, attention, facial expressions such as a forced smile or laugh, and public recognition.
• Negative reinforcement: involves eliminating a negative situation as a reward. Example: you won't have to do your homework if you let me do this to you.
• Intermittent reinforcement: Intermittent reinforcement can create a climate of fear and doubt. It is created by sometimes giving positive reinforcers and sometimes not. Intermittent positive reinforcement can encourage the victim to persist. For example, in games the player wins money from time to time but generally loses it.
• Punishment: includes annoying, yelling, showing silence, intimidation, threats, insults, emotional blackmail, blaming, bad mood, crying…

How to recognize emotional blackmail? 11 signals

There are certain keys that you should know and learn to identify. These are signs that blackmailers often show:

They manipulate the facts

Examples: lying, making excuses, blaming the victim, distorting the truth, withholding information, exaggerating.

They raise their voices and show negative emotions

Some people raise their voices during arguments as a form of aggressive manipulation. The assumption may be that if they project their voices out loud or show negative emotions they will give them whatever they want. The aggressive voice is frequently combined with aggressive non-verbal language.

They hate getting no for an answer

A manipulative person hates getting "no" for an answer. Thus, when you try to resist the persuasion attempts of a manipulator, you may observe that they will not respond gracefully, as they normally do.

You could even lose your papers even by disrespecting, insulting or threatening.

They live centered on themselves

Manipulative people are not focused on what they can offer or how they can help. You can see that these people live centered on themselves and seem not to know the meaning of the word reciprocity.

They will always talk about themselves and rarely ask selflessly how you are or if you need anything. In addition, you will realize that, as you go "doing favors", they will never thank you unless it is to do something else for them.

They show their strengths

Manipulative people love to show off their strengths and prowess. They are rarely shy people.

They are not responsible

Manipulative people tend to hold others responsible for their blame.

They use fear and guilt

Manipulative people are masters of emotional blackmail: they use the needs for affection and approval of the manipulated to threaten to retain or eliminate that affect, or worse, to make the manipulated feel that he must win it.

Manipulative people have a predilection for the use of three tools: fear, obligation and guilt.

They are unsafe

Manipulative people are often extremely insecure. Despite this, they will try to show the opposite: they will use selfish and domineering attitudes to cover up their fears.

They give little time to decide

This is a common tactic in sales and negotiation, in which the manipulator pushes to make a decision before the other person is ready.

They show silence

By not answering phone calls, text messages, emails, or other inquiries, the manipulator tries to show power.

They become the victim

Examples: exaggerated or imagined personal problems, exaggerated or imagined health problems, dependency, showing frailty to elicit sympathy and favors.

How will a manipulative person try to persuade you?

When someone needs or wants something from you, the usual procedure is to make a more or less direct request depending on the confidence they have in you.

If it is a “difficult” request, the person will accompany the request with the justification of why they are asking you and with information about their situation. This is because generally asking for favors is unpleasant for the one who asks.

If the person who needs a favor responds to the profile of manipulator, he will not make a request at all, much less will he try to justify it with arguments that demonstrate his dependence on your help.

On the contrary, manipulative people will engineer situations so that your behavior is directed to their own benefit, even though it is unfavorable for you. If the manipulator is good, the manipulated person will not realize that she is falling for her game.

Exemplification:

The head of your company needs to ask his employees to perform an extra function. Instead of asking for it directly, facing the possibility that the person who performs that function asks for an extra salary bonus, he decides to resort to manipulation, how?

You will notify your staff of an emergency meeting since there is a big problem. He will describe this extra function as a problematic situation that needs to be tackled as a team and he will state that he does not know how to solve it.

You will ask the squad to come up with solutions as a team. In this way, you will get a particular member or the group as a whole to reach a solution assuming this function as “your own decision”.

Since the decision has not been made by the boss but by his employees, they will not feel in the position to ask for bonuses or to protest. After all, no one has forced them to be "such good employees."

When does manipulation become a problem?

If you are reading this article, you are probably sensitive to this topic or need some information about it.

You have probably realized that you are being manipulated and you need to solve it or you know someone who is being manipulated and you want to be of help.

If your case is the first, you are in a position to find a solution. If your case is the second, I'm sorry to tell you that you have it more difficult, why?

The first essential step in solving a manipulation situation is to be aware that you are being manipulated. If you want to help someone who, from your point of view, is being manipulated, you will probably find yourself in the face of that person's rejection of your advice.

This is because a manipulated person considers that what he does is his own decision and will reject that you oppose his will.

If you want to help someone who is manipulated, you will only have two alternatives: make that person aware of the manipulation relationship or manipulate the person manipulated so that he does not allow himself to be manipulated.

As you will understand, the second of the solutions is neither ethical nor viable since you will only make this person more susceptible to future manipulations.

What you should never do

Do nothing

Manipulators manipulate because they find it to be an effective way to get what they want. If you do nothing to avoid being manipulated, the manipulator will get what he wants and all you will do is reinforce his manipulative behavior towards you.

Manipulators always test which people they can manipulate and will only maintain a “close” relationship with those people who can manipulate or with people from whom they could gain some benefit.

The dependence

Manipulative people are extremely skilled at detecting those in their environment who match the profile of a dependent person. Without hesitation, they will take advantage and make you a victim of their manipulation.

The signs of dependency that the manipulator will look for in the manipulable are: need to be careful, indecision as to what he wants or needs, difficulty expressing disagreement, submissive behavior, insecurity.

Be careful who you open your heart to to tell things. If by chance he is a manipulative person, he will offer you all his support to gradually become his manipulation tool and never let go of you.

The fear of not liking

First of all clarify that this fear is part of our nature as human beings and, therefore, social beings.

Like others makes life more enjoyable while feeling rejected makes us feel bad about ourselves.

Keep in mind that any relationship that does not make your life more pleasant and costs you efforts that make you feel frustrated or bad about yourself, breaks the general rule. These are the relationships that you should question, is it worth it?

Si no estás de acuerdo, exprésalo de forma incansable

Las situaciones y contextos en las que la persona manipuladora intenta manipularte suelen ser bastante similares. Esto quiere decir que puedes aprender de una para la siguiente.

Prepárate para reaccionar la próxima vez y mentalízate de que tendrás que ser más fuerte que el manipulador.

Después de ser manipulado reflexiona cómo deberías haber respondido para evitar o cortar la situación. La próxima vez que te suceda, utiliza esta respuesta que has planificado. El manipulador insistirá una y mil veces. En ese momento, tendrás que responder una y mil veces exactamente de la misma forma. Sé cansino, tanto como la persona manipuladora.

Si la conversación no finaliza, di que te tienes que ir “ya mismo” por algún motivo y se tajante, no te quedes más tiempo.

El papel de una tercera persona

Una buena forma de evitar ser manipulado es no encontrarte a solas con el manipulador. Cuando una tercera persona está presente, el manipulador no intentará manipularte con tanta facilidad porque, aunque sabe que tú puedes ser manipulable, existe la posibilidad de que la tercera persona se dé cuenta del intento, algo inasumible para un manipulador.

Si aun así sientes que has sido manipulado cuando la tercera persona estaba presente, habla con esta persona para pedirle su opinión externa y su consejo. Esa tercera persona te ofrecerá una visión más objetiva de la situación.

Confrontación

Esta estrategia es la más radical de las que mencionaré pero es sin duda la más efectiva. El mejor modo de acabar con una situación de manipulación que se ha convertido en un problema en tu vida es confrontar a la persona que te manipula.

Las personas manipuladoras no están acostumbradas a hablar de una forma directa por lo que, si tú le confrontas de forma directa, no sabrán cómo actuar y se quedarán perplejos.

No le confrontes de forma agresiva a menos que no quede más remedio. Si utilizas la agresión o te alteras, muy probablemente perderás la batalla y la persona manipuladora le “dará la vuelta” a la situación sin que te des casi cuenta.

La mejor forma de confrontar a una persona manipuladora es hacerlo desde la calma y el consejo, hablando siempre de forma seria.

Utiliza ejemplos (preferiblemente que no se refieran ni a ti ni a la persona manipuladora) y transmítele que tu única intención es ayudarle a mejorar su comunicación con los demás.

Si has sido víctima de sus manipulaciones de forma muy prolongada, lo más probable es que la persona manipuladora rechace tus argumentos. Sin embargo, el simple hecho de que se lo digas hará que cambien las cosas entre vosotros.

¿Merece la pena? Toma una decisión

Reflexiona en qué aspectos de tu vida está influyendo negativamente la persona manipuladora:

• Libertad de decisión y actuación.
• Consumo de tiempo.
• Realización personal.
• Éxitos/fracasos.
• Etc.

A continuación valora los beneficios que esta persona te aporta y que no podrías obtener por ti mismo o de otra persona (no manipuladora).

Por último realiza un análisis de costes- beneficios y, si la respuesta es clara, toma una decisión.

Probablemente es muy duro decidir apartar de tu vida a una persona aunque sea manipuladora: puede ser tú pareja, tu mejor amigo, miembro de tu familia, etc. Quizás existan opciones intermedias: en lugar de apartar, pasa a la persona a un segundo plano.

Aunque parezca duro en un primer momento, en seguida te darás cuenta de los beneficios de haber tomado esa decisión.

Utiliza tus experiencias como guía para el futuro

No hay nada mejor que vivir una experiencia para aprender algo.

Podrías leer libros o buscar información sobre manipulación, lo cual te ayudaría muchísimo. Sin embargo, en este caso, las enseñanzas que te da la vida formarán una huella que siempre recordarás.

Las claves son la prevención y la reacción:

• Detección: aprende cómo identificar signos tempranos de comportamiento manipulativo.
• Reacción: aprende cómo debes actuar y responder ante las personas manipuladoras.

Referencias

1. Honey, P. (2002). Problem people and how to manage them. CIPD (chartered institute of personnel and development).
2. Pincus, M. (2004). Managing Difficult People: A survival guide for handling any employee. Adams Media.