- Where does the guilt come from?
- When do we have the feeling of guilt?
- Sometimes it is beneficial
- When is it harmful and unreal?
- The need for approval
- How to overcome guilt?
- 1-apologize
- 2-Reattribution technique
- 3-Eliminate the sources of guilt or accept your behavior
- 4-Do not seek approval
- 5-Think about the past in another way
- 6-Write a journal
- 7-Evaluate the consequences of your behavior
- 8-Communicate effectively
- 9-Question the social rules
The guilt is completely normal and is actually adaptive; It helps you to maintain personal relationships with your relatives and therefore to survive.
However, there are times when it is exaggerated, has no real reason, or is too frequent. This is when you have to find ways to overcome it, as it becomes really unpleasant and becomes a huge obstacle on the road to well-being.
Where does the guilt come from?
It is formed from childhood and is part of the human characteristic of forming social structures and norms. It is therefore a way of maintaining public, family and relational order.
Therefore, its origin is social, in fact practically all the cultures of the world promote the feeling of guilt from childhood. In some cases internal guilt is promoted ("you are bad for not studying") and in others external guilt (public humiliation).
Over time the norms that are learned from childhood, begin to be part of the values of each one.
When do we have the feeling of guilt?
This feeling is influenced by several factors: family, personal, social and cultural. That is, it will not be the same if you live in a culture that places a lot of importance on religion than if it is not so important. And it will also depend on whether or not guilt is encouraged in your family.
It usually arises when we feel that we are hurting other people. Some common cases are:
- Behaving aggressively
- To insult.
- Destroy a relationship through behavior.
- Physically harm.
- Leave a relationship
- Do psychological damage.
- For not achieving what others expect of you.
- Eat a lot.
- By saying "no."
- For being happy and others not.
In some cases, that feeling may be more or less justified, although in others it is totally maladaptive, that is, it will not fulfill any other function than to promote your discomfort.
For example, when you are happy and you feel guilty because other people are unhappy. In that case, you have probably learned that the happiness of others is more important than your own.
Sometimes it is beneficial
As I have said, guilt is beneficial because it allows you to adapt socially and avoid being impulsive.
If guilt did not exist, I do not know if the human being would continue to exist. It therefore allows us to feel empathy for others and prevents us from doing harm to others.
When is it harmful and unreal?
It is in this case when this sensation becomes very harmful, unpleasant and painful. So great is its force that it can control the will of a person and, in fact, manipulative people use it to take advantage of others.
The worst case scenario is when we feel guilt for something that is totally foreign to us. For example:
- For the hunger in the world.
- For the wars of other countries.
- Because of the separation of the parents.
- A terrorist attack.
- Violations.
- When we have not achieved something.
In these cases, the ease with which guilt arises may be due to the fact that the person has been punished and reproached often and for minor causes. Also, low self-esteem always makes the situation worse.
The need for approval
Generally, the more a person has a need for approval by others, the more guilt or discomfort they feel.
On the one hand, if you do something that won't be approved, even if it's nothing bad, you will feel guilty. For example, a woman who dresses in daring clothes and whose family is traditional.
On the other hand, you will feel discomfort as it is likely that you adjust to the wishes of others and not to your own, thus leading to discomfort. For example, a 25-year-old boy who still lives with his parents because he would feel guilty about leaving them alone.
How to overcome guilt?
1-apologize
Sometimes a sincere apology can be really liberating. It can be the most logical but very often it is not followed and, if it is done, it can be a great relief.
Did you have an argument with a family member to whom you said something that you should not have? Maybe a simple apology will fix things and make you feel better.
2-Reattribution technique
This technique is based on examining the situations that led to guilt and logically assigning responsibility to each person.
It is not about freeing yourself from all responsibility, but about giving each member the responsibility they deserve and not assigning it all. For example, in the case of a couple breakup:
-What events led to the breakup? Could part of the responsibility be attributed to your ex?
You can reflect and, if it helps, write the new "reattribution."
3-Eliminate the sources of guilt or accept your behavior
If, for example, you feel guilty about being with another woman or man outside of your marriage, you have two options:
- Accept your behavior and stop seeing it as acceptable. So
- Change your behavior and make your marriage go better.
In either case, it is your responsibility to choose to eliminate guilt and accept yourself. You will only have to make the decision that you see fit.
4-Do not seek approval
Yes, just the opposite of what most people do. I do not mean that you really harm others or that you commit antisocial acts, but that from now on, really do what you want and do not try to adjust to the wishes of others.
It's basically doing what you want as long as you don't do someone psychological or physical harm. Examples:
- Put on whatever clothes you want.
- Go to the places you want. Don't you want to go to mass anymore? Don't you want to go to a heavy relative's house?
- Don't follow the "flock."
- Don't tip.
- Don't wash the dishes.
5-Think about the past in another way
See the past as something that cannot be changed but what to learn from. On the other hand, live more in the present.
6-Write a journal
Keep a guilt journal and write down all the times you feel guilty, carefully writing down why, when and with whom it happens and what you are losing in the present by worrying about the past. The journal can undoubtedly give you some insights into your area of particular guilt.
7-Evaluate the consequences of your behavior
Assess the true consequences of your behavior. Rather than looking for mystical feelings to determine the affirmations and denials in your life, determine yourself whether the results of your actions have been pleasant and productive for you.
8-Communicate effectively
Try to teach those close to you and who try to manipulate you through guilt, that you are very capable of dealing with the disappointments that your behavior causes them. For example: "Manuel, it's your decision to get angry because I feel like staying home and not going to see the game."
9-Question the social rules
Question social rules: why do you have to feel guilty about not going to mass? And for not doing the dishes? And for not doing what others do?
And do you have feelings of guilt? How do you try to overcome them? You can comment below. I am interested in your opinion! Thank you.