WHAT IS THE NEED FOR APPROVAL? HOW TO DISPOSE OF IT? - ARTE

The need for approval is the tendency to want the acceptance of others to feel good psychologically, make decisions and generally be happy. For example, someone who constantly wonders if others will like him or if his decisions will please others, would have a high degree of this personal trait.

The need for approval is one of the trends that can harm you the most in your life, both your results and your well-being. People who act like this in extreme ways might ask themselves: how do you please others?

Even if you've been the "good girl" or "good boy" your whole life, you can break that trend and start acting in a very different way. Wanting to be the typical "good boy" has certainly negative consequences. When you seek to be approved by everyone several things happen:

You may not always be sincere.
Therefore, you are being dishonest.
You can behave in a passive-aggressive way.
You will feel bad about yourself.
Your problems are not solved because you avoid arguments.
You will do things you don't want to; you can't say "no."
They can abuse you; you do not defend your rights.
You will be hindering yourself.

You can be a good, educated and humble person, without always needing the approval of others. Our life should be directed by ourselves, doing what we really want, without becoming selfish and harming others, of course.

How did you get to need everyone's approval?

How have you been able to reach that state where you put the needs of others before your own? How can it be that you always want to please others even though you are dishonest and not yourself?

It can be summarized by three possible mechanisms:

Abandonment

The child does not receive the necessary emotional attention and his parents are excessively critical. This causes the child to feel worthless and feel guilty.

Shame

The lack of parental care or attention makes the child feel that there is something "wrong" with him. Shame has been fostered by:

Make the child feel that behaving like he is has something wrong.
Make the child feel that impulses or certain types of normal behaviors are sins or should be punished.

This feeling of shame can also be created by other experiences of rejection, either by parents or other children (bullying).

Survival mechanisms

To prevent abandonment or rejection, the child develops a series of behaviors and way of thinking such as:

Be what others want you to be.
Put the needs of others before your own.

You may continue to behave that way, even though it is highly ineffective.

Steps to overcome the need for approval

Change the paradigm (way of seeing your world)

Now you think that to be happy and to be accepted you have to like and be approved by others. You believe that by being "the typical good guy" you will avoid problems and have a simple life without bitterness.

You have typical "good boy or girl" behaviors. However, that only leads to discomfort and unhappiness. To change that trend, you will have to see the world in a different way in which:

Your happiness depends on you, not on whether others approve of you or not.
It is necessary to meet your needs to be happy.
To be happy you have to defend your rights.

Start putting your needs first

Putting your needs first is not being selfish. That would also be thinking in black and white.

Being selfish is having all your own needs covered and still not being willing to contribute or help others. Or not collaborate with others and always want others to contribute to you.

It is natural for the human being to want to cover personal needs, because otherwise you are going against your own survival.

If you don't, you will feel bad, blame others, or show passive-aggressive behaviors.

Start accepting yourself as you are

Something typical in "good children" is that they do not accept themselves, they believe that there is something wrong with them. This comes primarily from childhood, past experiences, parenting, and relationships with others.

To feel good you need to accept yourself. What's more, to have a good relationship with others you have to accept yourself.

On the other hand, accepting yourself does not mean that you do not want to change or improve. It's about accepting yourself, yet being willing to improve what you want.

Stop seeking approval!

If you have changed your vision of the world, put your needs first and accept yourself, it is more likely that you no longer seek approval so much. Pay attention the next time you hook up with someone. Are you looking for that person to approve you? Are you looking to like the other person at all costs?

Beware of unconscious approval seeking behaviors, they are very common.

Set limits

You are a person with a history, rights, personality, goals and a life. Therefore, you are not half of another person. You are a unique person who sets how you want your life to be.

Do not try to merge with others, be it your partner, family or friends. If you disagree with another person, it is normal and you can show that disagreement - assertively - because you are different.

To be happy you need to have your goals and your individual life, so that if others are not that part of your life, continue to be there.

On the other hand, being aware of your values will allow you to know what your limits are and when you are acting with integrity.

I believe that with these small steps or tips you can begin to be a whole person.

Be good, be bad or be…?

First of all, I would like to clarify what it means for me to be the »typical good boy or girl» (or now «good adult»:

Always seek the welfare of others, before your own.
Put the needs of others before your own.
Always be giving, although something is expected in return.
Giving and not receiving creates a feeling of resentment.
Always wanting to take care of others.
Always wanting to please others.
Hide the defects or negative characteristics of oneself.
Not knowing how to say no.
Always accept requests, even from strangers.
Always be available.
Avoid arguments, even if they are necessary.
Not defending their own rights.
Many more…

And what is it for me to be bad ?:

Being disrespectful to others.
Be unpleasant.
Never be willing to help, not even close people.
Never be available.
Do not contribute anything to others and only take advantage.
Many more…

Most approval seekers tend to think "black or white." That is, they believe that the only alternative to being a good person is to be a bad person. However, that is not true.

You can come to a balance that could be called a "balanced person. " In this state you would not be the typical good or the typical bad.

A balanced person:

He sees himself as a person with rights.
Defend your rights.
Respect the rights of others.
You have good self-esteem.
You do not seek approval, you show yourself what you are or behave as you would like to be.
He is not afraid of arguments, although he does not seek them either.
They put their own needs before those of others (except in children, the sick and people with special needs).
Once he has met his needs, he cares about the welfare of others.
He knows how to say no.
He knows how to give without expecting anything in return.
Many more.

In my opinion, this state is the best one to have a happy life and good personal relationships with others.

What is your opinion? Please leave your opinion in the comments. I'm interested! And what have you done in your life to seek approval?

WHAT IS THE NEED FOR APPROVAL? HOW TO DISPOSE OF IT? - ARTE - 2024