SEPARATED PARENTS: TIPS FOR DEALING WITH CHILDREN - GEOGRAFÍA - 2025

The separated parents can perform a number of actions to avoid problems in their children, maintain an adequate quality of life, well - being and ultimately maintain happiness. Couple breakups are never a dish of good taste for anyone.

For adults it is a painful and difficult process, for children an unexpected life change, which they do not always understand or share. They are unpleasant situations that come “as a gift”, without them being able to do or decide to change it.

Although the breakup is sometimes unavoidable, its approach with the little ones can be carried out in a less painful way, avoiding unexpected suffering. Children are the most vulnerable to the news of the imminent separation, and the new situation can greatly interfere with the emotional stability of children.

The 3 Basic Laws of Separated Parents

Although in this article we are going to give you much more advice, these three guidelines are the most basic to follow with your children before a separation:

Children have the right to see their two parents equally

Those who separate are the adults, who have decided not to continue the relationship. But the children are not separated from either parent, and they should not hinder the children from seeing the other parent.

The little ones need both of their parents: you and your ex. Remember that you can decide to change your partner, but your children cannot change their father or mother.

Children have the right to receive a “clean” image from both parents

It is common to fall into the mistake of releasing disqualifications about the ex-partner, sarcastic tones, bad looks or disdain. Although some comments and tones can be subtle, the truth is that children are sensitive to this negativity, even if they do not know very well to name it.

It is important for the emotional and affective development of the little ones that they keep their parents with a good image, since both are their pillars of reference.

Brothers and / or sisters have the right to live and grow together

Brothers and sisters are key people in child development. They are early attachment figures, and separation between them should be avoided, since they live in exactly the same situation. They can understand each other, pamper each other, play together and “heal emotional wounds” by venting to each other.

The moment to break the news to the children

That the situation is difficult for a child to understand does not mean that they do not have the capacity to understand what is happening.

Children live in a world where separations (or divorces) are increasingly common, so if they know that things are not going well between their parents, there will be a time when a possible separation will be an idea that will haunt their parents. heads.

These are some recommendations when breaking the news:

• First of all, the news must be given by both parents together, as it is a sign of interest and concern for the children. It is time to explain that you are no longer well together, that you are doing it for the good of all and that this does not mean that you are going to stop seeing either of them.
• Parents should let their children know that it is a joint decision, even if it is not really the case. In this way, it is avoided that there is "a bad guy" for the children, who is the one who (in the view of a child) has decided to leave the relationship.
• The information must be adjusted to the age of the children. It is not the same when your children are 5 years old than 15, and the words you use and the explanations you give must be adapted to their age.
• It is important that information is only given to children who can understand, and that it does not invade the privacy of the parents. It is not necessary for your children to know, for example, that there was a 3rd person.
• Parents should try to control the emotionality they may feel when breaking the news. What you communicate is as important as how you communicate it. Communicating this news too passionately (that is, with anxiety, depression, uncontrolled crying…) can make your children worry more than they should and feel insecure.

From the first months after the separation onwards

At first, the new situation will be difficult for everyone. Parents live a grieving process, with possible problems that have led to the breakup, separation of assets, moving, lawyers, etc.

There are many factors that can increase the discomfort of parents, but, difficult as it may be, they should try to prevent their children from suffering, as far as possible, the consequences of these disagreements.

Know that adaptation will take time, but it will come. Human beings are made to adapt to new circumstances. With patience, affection and respect, everything will stabilize. For the first months from the moment of separation, you can follow the following tips:

Avoid arguments

What most helps the psychological adaptation of the little ones is the absence of conflicts. In no case is it productive for children to see their parents argue, lack of respect, or signs of contempt between them. Arguments at home strongly destabilize children and young people, being the main cause of emotional disturbance in cases of separation.

Agree on routines and shifts

Another key aspect from the moment of separation onwards is communication between the parents themselves. As parents, you must agree from the beginning the routines and shifts with the children, and work together in favor of a joint education.

Both of you must be informed and take care of all the needs of your children, including economic, emotional and affective, clothing, hygiene, etc.

As far as possible, it would be good for the children to maintain the same activities as always, such as going to the same school, maintaining their extracurricular activities, and doing those outings that they normally did with their mother or father (going to watch games football, to the mall, hiking…).

Avoid insecurities

It is important to let them know that they should not worry, because their needs will always be covered.

In separations, it is common for children to feel a certain hopelessness and, above all, insecurity in the face of the new situation and who will take care of what things (such as paying expenses, clothes, university studies…). The older the children, the easier it will be for them to feel this insecurity of which we speak.

Make joint decisions

The decisions that will arise about the children must also always be joint, since the children belong to both. These decisions are educational, normative, you pay them when they are teenagers, etc.

Don't do emotional blackmail

It is necessary to avoid the unconscious emotional blackmail that appears before phrases like "with your father you are better than with me" or "you prefer to be with your mother rather than with me".

Children feel that rivalry and jealousy on the part of their parents, and this situation places them in an uncomfortable position, in which they feel guilty for the fact of enjoying with the other parent. This will lead them over time not to comment on what they do with the other, when they perceive bad faces or unpleasant comments.

Avoid overprotection

You have to be careful not to become overprotective or to be too permissive with your children as a result of the separation. Sometimes, out of guilt, there are parents who make the mistake of allowing behaviors that they would not tolerate in order to "avoid further suffering for the child."

However, the only thing that is achieved is to add to the emotional consequences of the separation, those typical behaviors of children of permissive parents that are not the most desired.

Enjoy your son

The time adults spend with their children should focus on enjoying their company. It is time to enjoy your child, and forget about the bad feelings that you could have with your ex-spouse.

Avoid asking questions with ulterior motives about the other parent (to get information, to see what their relationship with the other is like…), because as we have already said, children and young people are not stupid, and they will feel terrible when they see dishonest intentions of their father or mother when asked.

The family beyond the parents

Sometimes, with separation, the little ones not only lose their relationship with one of their parents, but also break the relationship with the family of the adult with whom they no longer live.

It is important to be clear that paternal and maternal grandparents will always be the children's grandparents, just as their father and mother will always be, even if they are no longer together. The same goes for uncles, cousins, etc.

Sometimes this “break” of the child with the rest of the family is motivated by the parent who lives with the child, who cuts off the relationship with his former in-laws as a means of breaking the bond that bound him to his ex-partner.

In this way, children and young people lose two grandparents, with the suffering that this entails due to the loss of people who are part of their family and their emotional and affective development.

Instead of this…

• The family of both parents remains the family of the children. Instead of encouraging separation, the best thing you can do is encourage your children to continue seeing the rest of their family.
• The family of your ex-spouse is an ally in the emotional health of your children. They can lean on them, and somehow compensate for the loneliness that children often feel when they stop living with one of their parents. To do this, you have to let the 4 grandparents (and the close family) know how important it is for the children that they do not enter into judging anyone, and that they focus on being a support for the little ones.
• There are families that do not accept separation. As much as possible, it would be necessary to convince them that, regardless of their opinion, the most important thing is that children are well in these hard times for them.

Parents' new partners

For children, it is a very important change when one of their parents has a new partner, gets married or moves in together, especially when this new couple also brings children with them.

The transition that the integration of a new partner entails is not easy either for the children or for the father or mother, but in general, the children end up accepting this new partner without too much difficulty and the father or mother does not regret giving step.

Some things to keep in mind in case of a new partner:

• First of all, do not be in a hurry to take the steps. Before giving the news to the children, you have to wait a while for the separation situation to stabilize, and the children have adapted to the changes and are better psychologically. Once this happens, you can take the step, and then introduce the new partner to your children.
• Afterwards, it is essential to be sure of the step you are going to take. This point has a lot to do with the previous one, since what children require is stability on the part of their reference adults. If you tell your son that you are going to live with someone, and after two months he will leave again, it is better that you do not make that decision.
• A harmonious integration of the new couple involves explicitly clarifying to the children that this new person will not replace or will never replace the other parent. Children often feel that the new partner of their father or mother adopts the role of their other parent, since they assume tasks, routines and roles that correspond to a father or mother.

The best way to prevent this from happening is that the integration of this person is done very little by little, and does not quickly adopt caregiver responsibilities. Thus, children will not feel that no one is trying to replace anyone, since authority remains with their parents and not with strangers, while they still are.

References

1. Bolaños, I. (1998). Family conflict and marital breakdown. Psycho-legal aspects. In Marrero, JL (Comp.) Family Legal Psychology, Madrid: Fundación Universidad Empresa, Legal Challenges in the Social Sciences.
2. Cafcass (2015). Separated Parents. Information Program.
3. Espada, S., Calvo, L. (2010). We have separated… And ours? Government of Aragon. Department of Social and Family Services.
4. Laucirica, N., Villar, G., Abal, M. (2008). Guide for parents in a situation of separation and / or divorce. Municipal mediation program. Vitoria City Council.