JEALOUSY BETWEEN SIBLINGS: SYMPTOMS AND HOW TO ACT - ECONOMÍA - 2024

The jealousy between siblings children, adults or adolescents, can be defined as a state of frustration felt by children perceiving that already are not emotionally reciprocated by loved ones (parents, grandparents, etc.) or less with the same intensity as before.

Among the most frequent causes that lead a child to show jealousy towards another are the birth of a new sibling, the perception of ineffectiveness compared to their siblings or the asymmetric attention of parents towards their children.

On other occasions, the causes of children to be jealous are not "real", but are imaginary, such as when they perceive that the other sibling receives more attention or has better toys, when it is not true.

In any case, even when jealousy is not caused by parents, the way in which they deal with the situation is decisive to reduce it.

Symptoms of jealousy between siblings

Detecting the antecedents that cause jealousy among your children will help you act on them and prevent them from occurring, reducing emotional and behavioral problems.

With regard to the most common manifestations of childhood jealousy, we can find the following:

They begin to behave like a smaller child

Frequently, when a new sibling arrives, the child acquires behaviors that he had already abandoned, such as peeing on the bed, talking like a small child or sitting on the parents' laps.

Alterations in feeding

Children can also express their emotional difficulties through food, refusing to eat, for example.

They show aggressive behaviors

Sometimes they behave aggressively towards the same person who makes them jealous, like their little brother - he hits him, pulls his hair, pushes him, etc.

Verbal aggression

Other times, children choose to insult or threaten their siblings or parents.

Emotional upset

Many children have emotional problems stemming from jealousy, such as low self-esteem or feelings of personal ineffectiveness. This can also be detected through unwarranted mood swings and drawings showing perceived inequality.

Tips for dealing with sibling jealousy

Give him more love from the moment he finds out that he is going to have a brother

From the moment you inform him that the family is going to grow, your firstborn will need you to be especially affectionate, not to be neglected in family conversations or to talk about the future baby excessively when he is present.

Involving him in the preparations will help him get involved and feel excited about the arrival of the new member of the family. For example, you can decide between all the name that the baby will have or choose the decoration of her room.

It is also important that you do not withhold information from him about what will happen from now on: let him know the days that he will spend away from home a few days in advance - while you are in the hospital - with whom he will stay - with grandparents, uncles, etc..- and what will happen when the baby is born.

Make him see the benefits of having a little brother, like that he will be able to play with him, he will not feel alone, etc. Once you have had the baby, after returning home, it is important that you be especially sensitive and pay attention to your child - not just the baby.

It is a time when the first-born knows that the family situation has changed and needs the support of his father and mother to face the situation.

Therefore, you must be very happy to have returned home and that you can all be together. Make him see, too, that you will continue to pay close attention to him, even if there is now a new member of the family.

To make this method even more effective, advise visitors to pay attention to the firstborn, just as they used to before their brother arrived.

Show your firstborn pictures of when he was a baby

Showing him pictures from when he was little will help you explain how happy you were in the first moments of his upbringing. Make him see how excited you were before his arrival, the names you had thought to give him and some anecdotes from when he started talking or walking.

This is essential for your child to understand that he also received the care and attention that from now on you will begin to have with the new baby.

Prevent the firstborn from undergoing major changes

Whenever possible, avoid that your child perceives big changes after the baby is born, such as having to change rooms, spend less time with their parents, abandon extracurricular activities, etc.

Nor is it the time to try to get him to give up the diaper or pacifier, since during this stage of instability and changes he will not be so willing to make new changes in his life - and for you it will be a wasted effort.

All the changes that occur in this vulnerable stage for their development will be attributed to the arrival of the new family member, so the existing jealousy can develop or increase.

Give your firstborn new responsibilities

So that your child can acquire the role of older brother, once the baby has been born, you should make him participate in his care and attention. For example, ask him to tell you if he cries, to tuck him in, or to play with him while he's awake.

Reinforce these behaviors by telling him how well he is behaving or by buying him a treat from time to time - a new toy, his favorite dessert, etc.

In addition, you must make him see the advantages of becoming an older child, so that he avoids behaving like a younger child, as we mentioned earlier, through behaviors that he had already abandoned - peeing on the bed, rejecting certain foods, among others.

Divide care and attention to both children

A good method of providing the same care to your children is for you and your partner to divide the tasks of caring for both children. For example, while the mother is feeding the baby, the father can shower or play with the firstborn.

At another time, the father can bathe the baby while the mother tells the firstborn a story. In this way, the activities and personal hygiene care are alternated, so that the minors do not have a feeling of "abandonment" by one of the parents.

Be empathetic with your children

If you perceive disruptive behavior in your child or isolation behaviors - because of childhood jealousy - try to get closer to him or her by encouraging them to talk about their own feelings, instead of simply scolding them.

Let him see that he is in a safe space where he can vent, show his feelings openly and that you will listen to him whenever he needs it.

Do not tell him at any time that there is no reason to be jealous, but try to change the situation by offering him alternatives. In this way, by dealing with the emotions you experience - instead of suppressing or denying them - you can overcome your childhood jealousy.

To show a more empathetic attitude, you can start the sentence by saying: "You are right, lately we have been paying more attention to your brother / a, from now on, we are going to change this attitude."

You can also propose that he openly tell you when he needs you to pay attention or be more affectionate.

Avoid comparisons between your children

From the moment the family grows, you should avoid making comparisons like: "your brother cries less", "he or she behaves better", and so on.

Even some seemingly inoffensive comments, such as calling one of them more shy, can hurt you when it comes to socializing - since you assume that you are a person who finds it difficult to make friends.

If you want to make a reference to how well one of them has behaved, try to focus on the specific moment in which it happened, for example: "today your brother has been especially good at the mall."

As you can see, you can refer to the good behavior of one of the brothers without the need to generalize the behavior, with phrases such as: “you are very disobedient” or “your brother is more obedient than you”.

If you are both in school and receive grades, you should be especially cautious with comparisons in terms of academic performance. This is usually another big reason why one sibling develops jealousy towards the other.

Therefore, try to be happy with the academic results of both of you and with other members of the family.

Highlight his strengths instead of focusing your attention on negative notes - which you could help him with by having him attend a support teacher or by helping him yourself.

Boost your children's self-esteem

Self-esteem is the appreciation we have of ourselves and the confidence we have in our abilities. It is formed over time based on our experience, the successes and failures that we have in our lives.

In the case of children, self-esteem is very vulnerable, due to the short experience they have in their personal life, so you must help them develop this quality.

If your children grow up with sufficient self-confidence and do not have serious self-esteem problems, they will have better development in other areas, such as educational, social or emotional.

To boost their self-esteem, make them see that they have enough affection from their parents - so that they develop a secure attachment - and that they have many positive qualities and abilities.

Teach them that, even if they fail in some area, with effort they can improve and obtain what they set out to do - for example, given a bad grade, it shows that they can recover with the appropriate effort.

If your children have adequate self-esteem, you will see how jealousy between siblings is progressively reduced.

Increase the time spent on family leisure activities

If you spend enough time having fun and doing family activities, you can strengthen emotional ties. For example, if you are traveling as a family, you will appreciate how your children spend more time playing together, since they cannot be with their usual friends.

Therefore, you should start to increase family outings, daytime walks and doing activities that are attractive to children, so that the family climate is more positive and jealousy between siblings is reduced.

In addition, you will be instilling healthy lifestyle habits in your children and they will be growing up in an enriching environment.

See a specialist if symptoms worsen

Although in most cases this jealousy subsides over time -or thanks to some changes that the parents carry out-, on other occasions it becomes pathological, causing serious havoc on the normal development of the child who suffers from it, and negatively interfering in family dynamics.

Therefore, if you perceive that your son or daughter's behavior is worsening or has not shown progress for a long time, you should contact a specialist who will advise you on the need to start personalized therapy.

The specialist will be able to tell you if it is a simple case of childhood jealousy or there are other reasons why your child's behavior is inappropriate.

References

1. Freijo, EA (2000). Interaction between siblings and psychological development: An educational proposal. Educational innovation, (10), 311-33I.
2. Hidalgo Latorre, E. Child jealousy. Digital magazine Enfoques Educativos, 168.
3. Ríos, C. (2002). Suffering from possessive jealousy. Psychoanalysis, 24 (3), 389-401.
4. Silveyra, ML Complex of brothers and unconscious knowledge.