AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT: CHARACTERISTICS, DEVELOPMENT, TREATMENT - PSYCHOLOGY - 2024

The attachment ambivalent or anxious is one of the four relational styles described by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in his research on the interaction between babies and their caregivers. It is a behavior pattern characterized by great insecurity and fear of abandonment, which manifests itself in all kinds of behaviors.

These researchers found that about 10% of the children displayed a very unusual pattern of behavior. At all times they exhibited symptoms of insecurity, such as looking for their mother and trying to have constant contact with her; and when she walked away, they were very upset and could not be consoled.

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However, when the mother returned, these babies showed signs of anger. Thus, they tried to get away from her and visibly rejected her. The children, therefore, were upset both when the caregiver was not present and when they were with him.

The ambivalent attachment style is generally maintained throughout the person's adult life. Individuals who present it show a great need to stay with their loved ones; but at the same time they feel bad when they are with them. In this article we will tell you all the characteristics of this relational style.

characteristics

Low self-esteem

When we are born, people need the help of our caregivers to survive; But the parents of a baby who has developed this type of attachment have not been able to meet her needs adequately. Thus, caregivers act closely at times, while at other times they ignore the child.

In this way, a child with ambivalent attachment acquires the belief that others will not constantly take care of his needs; but at the same time, he thinks that he needs other people to be well.

This, which is true during childhood, ceases to be true in adult life, but the individual continues to think this way unconsciously.

Because of this, both children and adults with ambivalent attachment base much of their self-esteem on the way others treat them. Your self-esteem tends to be lower than that of others; and for this reason, they accept inappropriate behaviors from their loved ones, since they think that they do not deserve anything else.

Ambivalence towards other people

Children who develop an anxious attachment pattern soon develop the belief that their parents will not properly care for them.

For this reason, from the earliest childhood they develop strategies that seek to attract their attention and maintain contact with their caregivers; but at the same time they resent them and show symptoms of anger towards them.

Thus, for example, a child with this attachment style will cry inconsolably when separated from his parents, seeking for them to return and pay attention to him.

However, when the caregiver makes an attempt to make contact with him, the little one will be distant and angry at times and cling to the adult at other times.

This inconsistent way of behaving is also maintained throughout the adult life of the person. Thus, someone with an ambivalent attachment style will go to great lengths to cling to their partner, often trying to control their movements and making them feel guilty for not paying enough attention to them.

However, even when the partner of an ambivalent person tries to please him, he is generally met with displays of mistrust and anger. In fact, one of the phrases most used to describe the behavior of these people is "neither with you, nor without you."

Poor emotional control

As we have already seen, people with an ambivalent style harbor the belief that they need others to be well.

As a consequence, they generally blame the rest for their own problems and emotional states. This causes their feelings to be generally volatile, causing them great discomfort.

For example, a person with ambivalent attachment tends to be easily upset due to the behavior of others, something that does not happen to individuals with other styles of relationship. In addition, they believe that to improve their mood it is necessary for the rest to change the way they act.

This often results in attempts to manipulate other people into acting in the way that they consider correct. If they can't, it is very common for them to get angry or try to make others feel guilty.

Formation of toxic relationships

As with all other types of attachment, people with an anxious style tend to create relationships that replicate the one they had with their primary child caregiver. In your specific case, this means creating relationships with toxic people - friends or partners - who are only emotionally available from time to time.

Consequently, people with ambivalent style tend to form emotional relationships with individuals with avoidant attachment.

The type of interaction that is formed is called "codependency"; And in general, it is marked by jealousy, insecurities, and a great deal of emotional distress.

In their romantic relationships, ambivalently attached individuals have a powerful fear of being abandoned by their partner. As a consequence of this, they usually try to satisfy all their needs, forgetting about their own. On the other hand, they also try to manipulate their emotions so that they feel guilty and do not leave them.

On the other hand, it is also common for people with ambivalent attachment to be very jealous. This is because they have a great fear that their partner will find someone better than them and leave them. In the most extreme cases, your jealousy can manifest itself even with your partner's friends or family.

Control attempts

To avoid being abandoned by those close to them, ambivalently attached individuals will do their best to dictate their behavior.

As children, this translates into trying to stay glued to their parents all the time; and as adults, all kinds of attitudes and actions will appear for this purpose.

Thus, a person with an ambivalent style will try by all means that his partner spends as much time as possible with her. This can translate into, for example, criticism of all your partner's friends, attempts to make her feel guilty if she makes plans alone, crying, threats…

At the same time, these people will try to keep their partner happy as much as possible, forgetting about their own needs; But at the slightest sign that the other person needs space, threats and attempts at emotional manipulation will begin.

In very extreme cases, these individuals may attempt to control their partners' behaviors in more direct ways, such as by logging onto their social media profiles to see who they are talking to.

It is even common for these people to threaten to hurt themselves if their partner does not act as they want.

Development

As we have already seen, the main cause of the formation of the anxious attachment style is ambivalent behavior on the part of the parents during the first years of the individual's life. The caregivers of these children, for various reasons, are only able to take care of their needs intermittently.

One of the most common examples is that of parents who, due to an excessive workload or family responsibilities, cannot give their child all the attention they should.

The little one learns early that if he wants to be cared for, he has to go to great lengths to get the attention of his caregivers.

However, as the attention of his parents is intermittent, the child acquires the belief that at any moment he can be abandoned by them. This way of seeing the world is maintained during adult life, and causes all the consequences that we have seen in the previous section.

In some cases, the person may acquire the belief that they need others to be well and that others will abandon them during their adolescence, usually as a result of a particularly traumatic romantic relationship.

Do you have treatment?

Most studies on attachment styles have concluded that practically all people maintain the attachment they acquired in childhood throughout their lives.

However, today we also know that with enough effort and perseverance, it is possible to acquire a more secure pattern of relationships.

Basically, there are three ways to change the anxious style for a healthier way of understanding relationships: receive counseling, maintain a romantic relationship with a securely attached person, or carry out important personal development work.

Regardless of which of the three paths is chosen, the person will have to learn to take care of their own needs, to take control of their emotional states and to trust more in other individuals. This process is often very complicated, and requires a great deal of conscious effort.

Still, people who develop what's known as an "acquired secure attachment" say the results are worth it.

Among other benefits are greater emotional control, the ability to maintain healthier and more satisfying relationships, and increased self-esteem that positively affects all areas of life.

References

1. "Anxious Attachment: Understanding Insecure Anxious Attachment" in: PsychAlive. Retrieved on: January 07, 2019 from PsychAlive: psychalive.org.
2. "6 Signs You Have An 'Anxious Attachment Style' In Love And How It Affects Your Relationships" in: Your Tango. Retrieved on: January 07, 2019 from Your Tango: yourtango.org.
3. "Ambivalent attachment: endless insecurity" in: Mente Sana. Retrieved on: January 07, 2019 from Mente Sana: mentesana.com.
4. "Anxious or ambivalent attachment in adults" in: Possible attachments. Retrieved on: January 07, 2019 from Possible Attachments: apegosposibles.com.
5. "6 keys to detect an ambivalent attachment in the couple" in: I Feel. Retrieved on: January 07, 2019 from I Feel: ifeelonline.com.