EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT: WHAT IS IT, SIGNS AND SOLUTIONS - PSYCHOLOGY - 2024

The emotional neglect is the lack of attention to the emotional needs of children, adolescents or adults. It is an absence of responses to emotional expressions (smiles, cries) and the approach or interaction behaviors that people initiate.

For example, a child may constantly show sadness or try to attract attention in some way, but the parent may not pay attention to her because she is interested in other things.

Unlike neglect or physical abuse, emotional neglect leaves no observable imprint and is therefore difficult to identify. This phenomenon is sadly ignored on numerous occasions, and those who have suffered it suffer its repercussions in silence. Often these people feel that their emotions are not valid and they have to lock them up.

Emotional abandonment can also be exercised with very good motivating intentions: such as ensuring that children are the best in school or excel in some sport. In fact, emotional neglect can take many forms, from placing unreasonably high expectations on children to ridiculing or ignoring their opinions.

Types of emotional abandonment

Abandonment is passive abuse that can be total or partial:

Passive parents who leave emotionally

It is the most extreme case, and it is about the continued absence of responses to the children's attempts at affective interaction. This occurs infrequently and leads to very serious disorders in children.

Parents who neglect psycho-affective care

In this case there are both the lack of partial responses to the emotional needs of children, as well as incongruous responses to them. Thus, a neglect of the needs for protection, stimulation and support is generated.

Parental behaviors that produce emotional abandonment

These behaviors encourage childhood emotional neglect:

- Absence of caresses, or prevent the displays of affection.

- Do not play with children.

- Scold the child when he cries or shows joy.

- Parents who repress their feelings and there is no adequate communication.

- Indifference to any state of mind of the child.

- Lack of support, courage and attention to the needs of the child, ignoring their concerns or interests.

Signs of emotionally neglected children

-Problems identifying and understanding one's own emotions and those of others

When we see that a person has problems expressing how they feel (for example, they seem impassive when a misfortune has happened), it can be a sign that they have suffered emotional abandonment. This occurs because as a child, when he has expressed what he felt, he has been embarrassed, scolded or simply ignored.

Thus, the person learns to hide what he feels to the point that, although he wants to express his emotions, he is not capable. Mainly because when you feel something you don't know exactly what emotional label to put on it and why you are feeling that way.

He does not spend time or attention on his emotions or those of others (as did his parents) and this apparently seems not to be negative, but it can put our mental health at risk. Because if feelings are not expressed, we do not eliminate them, they just remain hidden and unresolved.

Holding in negative emotions for a long time is known to make anxiety disorders, depression, and symptoms likely. The latter means health manifestations (such as pain) that do not have a physical cause, but are a reflection of psychological conflicts.

How to solve it

The ideal to solve this is to work the emotions. You ask yourself: "can emotions be trained?" Of course, through the development of emotional intelligence.

This concept implies the ability to feel, understand, manage and change our own state of mind. As well as detect, understand and react appropriately to the emotions of others.

Some activities for children that promote emotional intelligence are the imitation of moods, drawing facial expressions that indicate certain emotions or music or movies.

For adults you can use emotional literacy, or expand the range of existing emotions, making you use more labels to define how you feel. Work on social skills and techniques to be assertive with others or Relaxation exercises are some articles that can help you.

-Difficulties trusting others

It is not surprising that these people do not feel completely comfortable with others and less on an emotional or affective level. They are afraid of being vulnerable or showing affection or anger.

This occurs because, in the past, they have not been rewarded (or have been punished) when they expressed their feelings. For this reason, they currently fear that others will reject their displays of affection, and do the same thing that their parents did: tease, minimize or ignore their emotional expressions.

This translates into mistrust of others, accompanied by a feeling of loneliness, since they have no one with whom to “open up” completely and be themselves completely.

How to solve it

Do not be afraid to share feelings with others. You can start with people who are closer and with simpler or positive emotions, trying every day to express something sincere with emotional content to someone.

The ideal for this is to choose people who already open up emotionally with you and trust you, and little by little lose the fear of expressing themselves to others.

It is good to try to express different labels: today I felt confused, melancholic, strong, strange, euphoric, uncomfortable… and to see how the other person reacts. Surely the reaction is positive and that it also expresses what you feel.

It is widely known that when we talk about our emotions with others we create an environment of trust in which others also feel comfortable talking about their feelings.

Another way to learn to trust others is to work on oneself: increase our security and self-esteem, assuming our own value.

-Sense of emptiness, "something is not right"

Most of these individuals reach adulthood without much conflict. However, deep down they feel different from other people and they notice that there is something wrong with themselves, but they are not sure what.

They permanently feel empty, despite things going well for them. In fact, many of these people tend to develop addictive behaviors to try to feel better, such as addiction to food, work, shopping… as well as alcohol and other drugs.

How to solve it

First, be aware of the problem. Finding the origin, knowing what is happening and why. The first step is to recognize that emotional neglect existed, and try to identify the neglect behaviors that the parents exercised in the past.

Thus, the person will be prepared to face the problem and seek a solution. The best thing is to go to therapy, while trying to develop enriching activities (such as learning to play an instrument or do a sport), avoiding falling into addictive behaviors that will only maintain the problem.

-Low self-esteem and insecurity

It happens because individuals who have been emotionally abandoned have assumed that their moods are worthless. Something so important to us that we cannot detach from our person, such as emotions, cannot be locked up or ridiculed.

This ends up causing a serious impact on our self-concept, consolidating the following beliefs: "how I feel is not important to others, that part of me is not valid" and "I do not deserve that others listen or be interested in my emotions" (since their attachment figures did not).

How to solve it

In addition to recognizing the problem, you must try to work on self-esteem and self-confidence. Feeling that you are valuable, whatever happens, and that your emotions are worth releasing.

Being aware of our qualities, virtues and achievements and stop doing things to please others are two recommendations.

-Excessive demands for attention

Another very frequent manifestation that we find are the constant calls for attention, which are reflected in excessive claims and continuous expressions of receiving something from others. They usually ask for things that imply affection and dedication, even in a symbolic way.

For example, if they are children, they can ask their parents to buy them a certain toy or do pranks that provoke a reaction. They also show a tendency to create fantasy stories where he is the protagonist, the "hero".

In the adult stage it will be observed in the desire to stand out from others, the need to be heard or looked at, or the establishment of dependent and toxic relationships.

This is because they will require a single person to satisfy all their needs and fill an emotional void, still unresolved.

How to solve it

The solution is to feel powerful for yourself, gain self-esteem, assume that you are capable of doing great things without needing the approval of others.

You can start to dedicate time to your childhood hobby or learn something new, try to do more things alone, have your own world and interests; and of course, establish healthy relationships.

-High craving for perfectionism

Coupled with the above, individuals with emotional abandonment may show an exaggerated need to win or stand out from others.

This self-demand can cause damage if it is extreme, and comes from the urge to fill the emotional void and low self-esteem. Thus, they believe that nothing they do is enough or they do not see the things they do well.

Another possibility is that many of them have had demanding parents who have rejected or forgotten their emotions so that they do not interfere with other achievements, such as academics.

How to solve it

The fundamental thing is to know yourself, accept yourself with your strengths and weaknesses and recognize that perfection does not exist. You have to start to see the positive things that you have achieved and that you achieve every day.

-Lack of empathy

It is logical that, if in your childhood they have not been empathic with you and they have not attended to your emotional needs, when you are older you have problems being empathic with others.

There are people who can be cruel, as they have grown up with the idea that feelings do not matter.

It can also be due to an inability to detect how the other feels and act according to their emotional state. That is why to others they seem to have no compassion or to be "ice". It really all comes from a lack of experience, since they have never tried to put themselves in someone else's shoes (since they have seen that their attachment figures have not done it with him).

How to solve it

Training in emotional intelligence is a good way, in addition to working our social skills and learning to listen actively.

Mental exercises can be done to try to imagine what the other person thinks or what has motivated him to do what he is doing, even if it is not consistent with our opinion.

The problem with these people is not that they have a failure to empathize, but that they have learned to "block" that capacity that deep down we all possess.

In short, in these cases it is advisable to seek professional help to guide and motivate us to resolve emotional abandonment.

In the case of children, family psychotherapy may be needed in which both the child and his parents have to attend.

Types of parents who emotionally abandon their children

Most neglect parents have no bad intentions. Usually the opposite, but for whatever reasons they do not cover the emotional needs of their children as they should. For example, some have experienced emotional neglect in the past and have not resolved it, so they still do not show affection to others.

Some of the types of parents that can cause this phenomenon in their children are:

Very authoritative parents

They are very strict with the rules and can be insensitive to the emotional reactions of their children. They only reward the little ones for being obedient, ignoring the affective contact or leaving it in the background. They are reluctant to take the time to listen to and understand children's feelings.

Narcissistic parents

They pretend to meet their needs and fulfill their wishes through their children, as if they were a reflection of themselves. Thus, children's preferences or feelings do not matter, they are not taken into account, they only look at what benefits them.

Very permissive parents

They don't set limits on their children and give them too much independence. This is extremely unsuitable for them because they feel disoriented about how to guide their life at times.

Even the little one does not know if his parents are really very permissive or that freedom is a sign that they ignore him and are not interested in his well-being.

Perfectionist parents

They always see what can be improved and what their children achieve is never enough. Thus, the little one feels that he can only achieve acceptance and love through being successful in everything, without having any value how they feel or what they need.

Absent parents

For various reasons such as death, illness, separation, work, travel, etc. They are not part of their children's lives and they grow up with other attachment figures such as siblings, grandparents or babysitters.

These children simply do not have the opportunity to connect emotionally with their parents.

Overprotective parents

It can be a form of emotional abandonment to restrict the initiative of the little ones, repress them and fix them with meaningless fears. Excessive protection ends up distancing them from their peers and making them dependent and insecure.

References

1. Emotional Abandonment. (sf). Retrieved on September 16, 2016, from ASAPMI.
2. Bringiotti, Comín (2002) Manual of Intervention in Child Abuse.
3. Summers, D. (February 18, 2016). How to Recognize and Overcome Childhood Emotional Neglect. Retrieved from GoodTherapy.org.
4. Webb, J. (nd). Childhood Emotional Neglect: The Fatal Flaw. Retrieved on September 16, 2016, from PsychCentral.
5. Webb, J. (nd). What is Childhood Emotional Neglect? Retrieved on September 16, 2016, from Dr. Jonice Webb.