I leave you with a compilation of funny and humorous phrases of life, ideal to give us a relief from our daily lives. These quotes teach us that the important thing in life is to take situations, even bad ones, with humor, to live long. We can also find some satires, but with important lessons for life.
You may also be interested in these sarcastic and ironic phrases.
Source: pixabay.com
-If you think you are too small to be effective, then you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. -Betty Reese.
-Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet. Nobody ever knows how. -Anonymous.
-Laugh and the world will laugh with you; snore and sleep alone. -Anthony Burgess.
-Some days I can conquer the world. Other days, it takes me three hours to convince myself to get into the shower. -Anonymous.
"If only God would give me a clear sign!" How to make a deposit of a large sum of money in a Swiss bank. -Woody Allen.
-Some days I surprise myself. Other days I put my keys in the refrigerator. -Anonymous.
-My life feels like an exam for which I did not study. -Anonymous.
-Never look back or you will fall off the stairs. -Rudyard Kipling.
-The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most sure of them. -Bill Maher.
-My psychiatrist told me he was crazy, and I told him I wanted a second opinion. She said, "very good, you're ugly too." -Rodney Dangerfield.
-Life is pleasant. Death is comfortable. It is the transition that is problematic. -Isaac Asimov.
-Failure is the seasoning that gives success its flavor. -Truman Capote.
-The easiest way to find something lost at home is to buy a replacement. -Anonymous.
-People commonly say that motivation does not last long. Well then, not bathing either; therefore it is recommended daily. -Zig Ziglar.
-The elevator to success is out of order. You will have to climb the stairs… one step at a time. -Joe Girard.
-Good friends, good books and a sleepy consciousness: this is the ideal life. -Mark Twain.
-Giving up smoking is the simplest thing in the world. I know this because I have done it thousands of times. -Mark Twain.
-I made a giant to-do list for today. The only problem is, I don't know who will do all these things. -Anonymous.
-I didn't fail the exam. I only discovered 100 ways to get it wrong. -Benjamin Franklin.
-The brain is a wonderful organ; He starts working from the moment you get up in the morning, and doesn't stop working until you get to the office. -Robert Frost.
-Man does not control his own destiny. It is the woman in his life who does it for him. -Grouch Marx.
-My psychiatrist told me that the only way to achieve inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I have finished two bags of chocolates and a cake. I'm feeling better already. -Dave Barry.
-Life is like a roll of toilet paper; hopefully long and useful, but it always ends at the wrong time. -Rudyh.
-When your ex-partner tells you: "You will never find someone like me", answer him: "That's the point." -Anonymous.
-Before criticizing someone, walk a kilometer in their shoes. That way you will be a kilometer away from them and have their shoes. -Jack Handey.
-Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. -Charles M. Schulz.
-When I hear someone sigh and say "Life is difficult", I am always tempted to ask: "compared to what?" -Sydney Harris.
-When people ask me: "How many people work here?", I answer: "about a third of them." -Lisa Kennedy Montgomery.
-You never know what you have until you clean your room. -Anonymous.
-By the time a woman realizes that her mother was right, she already has a daughter who thinks she is wrong. -Anonymous.
-Be nice to people on your way to the top, because you will meet them back on your way to the ground. -Jimmy During.
-I won't give up, but I'll be cursing all the time. -Anonymous.
-You know you're getting old when the candles already cost more than the cake. -Bob Hope.
-Everything is fun as long as it is happening to someone else. -Will Rogers.
-I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. They have just been too smart to come here. -Arthur C. Clarke.
-The older people at weddings always touch me and say "follow you." So I started doing the same at funerals. -Anonymous.
-Civil status: waiting for a miracle. -Anonymous.
-Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans. -Allen Saunders.
-Don't forget to drink water and a little sun. You are basically like a houseplant with more complicated emotions. -Anonymous.
-Some days you eat salads and go to the gym, other days you eat cakes and you refuse to put on your pants. It's called balance. -Anonymous.
-In three words I can summarize everything I have learned about life: life goes on. -Robert Frost.
-Most people miss out on opportunities because they are dressed in overalls, and they look like work. -Thomas Alva Edison.
-People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full are missing the important thing. The glass can be refilled. -Anonymous.
-Life is like a meter. The meter will keep going up, no matter if you go somewhere or stand still. -Lou Erickson.
-Life is like an onion: you peel it one layer at a time, and sometimes you cry. -Carl Sandburg.
-Life is hard. After all, it ends up killing you. -Katherine Hepburn.
-The average man does not know what to do with his life and even so, he wants another that lasts forever. -Anatole France.
-People say that nothing is impossible, but I spend my time doing nothing every day. -AA Milne.
-I may not have gotten where I wanted to go, but I think I ended up where I needed to be. -Douglas Adams.
-Current state of my life: stopping everything with a hairpin. -Anonymous.
-Age doesn't matter unless you're a cheese. -Billie Burke.
-Optimist: someone who realizes that taking a step back after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it is more like a cha-cha. -Robert Brault.
-A lie has already gone around the world by the time the truth has barely had a chance to put on its pants. -Winston Churchill.
-Working hard eight hours a day, eventually maybe you could become your own boss, and work twelve hours a day. -Robert Frost.
-Never miss a good opportunity to shut up. -Will Rogers.
-You are young only once, but you can be immature forever. -Hannah Marks.
-All you need in this life is ignorance and trust, then success is assured. -Mark Twain.
-Life is curious. When you are young you want to be bigger, and when you are older you want to be younger. -Karon Waddell.
-The more you weigh, the more difficult you are to kidnap. So stay safe. Eat cake.
-What a son I have! I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife. -Rodney Dangerfield.
-When life gives you lemons, sprinkle a little someone in the eye. -Cathy Guisewite.
-If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. -Woody Allen.
-We never really grow up. We only learn to perform in public. -Anonymous.
-Life is like eating artichokes, you have to go through a lot to get so little. -Anonymous.
-Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. -Will Rogers.
-Listen, smile, come to an agreement, and then do what you were going to do anyway. -Robert Downey Jr.
-If you are unsuccessful at first, then skydiving is not for you. -Steven Wright.
-Never do anything you can't explain to the paramedics. -Anonymous.
-If at first you are unsuccessful, try and try again. Then give it up. There's no use being a fool about it. -WC Fields.
-When life knocks you down, roll and look at the stars. -Anonymous.
-If you are too open minded, your brain will fall. -Lawrence Ferling Hetti.
-You can't be sad when you have a cupcake in your hands. -Anonymous.
-Friendship is like pissing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warm feeling it causes you. -Robert Bloch.
-When we remember that we are all crazy, mysteries disappear and life has meaning. -Mark Twain.
-Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoes in the middle of the night, you're drunk. -Anonymous.
-Life is the art of drawing without an eraser. -Anonymous.
-Life is a shipwreck, but we must never forget to throw the lifeboats. -Voltaire.
-Don't take life so seriously. You'll never get out of it alive. -Elbert Hubbard.
-If you could be able to believe in Santa Claus for like 8 years, then you can believe in yourself for 5 minutes. -Anonymous.
-Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're inside it, but the longer you stay, the more you wrinkle. -Anonymous.
-Life is short, smile while you have teeth. -Anonymous.
-I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, and wake up beautiful. -Anonymous.
-Common sense is not a gift, it is a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who does not have it. -Anonymous.
-You have to learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to do them all by yourself. -Sam Levenson.
-Smile, tomorrow will be worse. -Anonymous.
-If everything seems to be going well, then you obviously missed something. -Steven Wright.
-The only reason I talk to myself is because I am the only person from whom I accept your answers. -George Carlin.
-Life is as tedious as a story told twice, that it disturbs the deaf ear of a sleepy man. -William Shakespeare.
-Don't leave until tomorrow what you can cancel at once. -Anonymous.
-Sometimes I think I'm too picky. Then I watch my dog choose a place to take a bath. -Anonymous.
-Life is like a can of sardines, we are all looking for the key. -Alan Bennett.
-If you can't get rid of the skeleton you have in your closet, better go teaching it how to dance. -George Bernard Shaw.
-Life would be tragic if it weren't fun. -Stephen Hawking.
-We remind you that you have to pay for your sins… If you have already paid, then ignore this message. -Sam Levenson.
-I am currently under construction. Thank you very much for your patience. -Anonymous.
-Hating people is like burning your own house to get rid of a rat. -Harry Emerson Fosdick.
-Life is hard, but it's even harder if you're stupid. -George V. Higgins.
-Opportunities do not knock on our door, they appear when you go and the grave. -Kyle Chandler.
-Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.
-I think I've discovered the secret of life: just wait until you get used to it. -Charles Schulz.
-Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what they are talking about. -Sam Ewing.
-If you fall, I'll be there for you. -Soil.
-No matter how big a hammer is, you will not be able to nail common sense to stupid people. -Anonymous.
-I do not fear death; I just don't want to be there when it happens. -Woody Allen.
-Life is painful. Anyone who says otherwise is trying to sell you something. -William Goldman.
-I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I had only done it once, but I was wrong. -Charles M. Schulz.
-I always wanted to be someone, but now I realize that I should have been more specific. -Lily Tomlin.
-I know that God will not put me in a situation that I cannot handle. However, I wish he didn't trust me so much. -Mother Teresa of Calcutta.
-Don't argue with an idiot. He will bring you down to his level and he will beat you with his experience. -Mark Twain.
-I'm not lazy, I'm just in my energy saver mode. -Anonymous.
-The planet is fine. It's the people who are screwed. -George Carlin.
-Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. -Albert Einstein.
-When I die, I want my tombstone to offer free wireless internet, so that people visit me more often. -Anonymous.
-An optimist is one who falls off the Empire State Building and after 50 floors shouts, "so far so good." -Anonymous.
-When you are in bed, it's 6:00 in the morning, you close your eyes for five minutes and open them, it's 7:45. But when you're at work, it's 1:30 and you close your eyes for five minutes and open them again, it's 1:31. -Anonymous.
-If you trip, make it part of the dance. -Anonymous.
-Always ask a pessimist for money. He won't wait for you back. -Oscar Wilde.
-There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what you want, and the other is getting it. -Oscar Wilde.
-The road to success is lined with many very tempting parking spots. -Will Rogers.
-If you tell your boss that you are late because you have a flat tire, the next morning your tire will go flat. -Anonymous.
-If you don't like where you are, move! You are not a tree. -Anonymous.
-Laughter is the buffer that softens the blows of life. -Anonymous.
-When one door closes, another opens. Or you can just reopen it. This is how the doors work. -Anonymous.
-When everything comes against you, you go the other way. -Steven Wright.
-Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer. -Ellen Degeneres.
-Be happy, that drives people crazy. -Anonymous.
-I have a simple philosophy of life: Fill what is empty, empty what is full and scratch where there is itching. -Alice Roosevelt Longworth.
-It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did them wrong. -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
-Here is a test to see if your mission on Earth is complete: if you are alive, then you have not completed it. -Richard Bach.
-Tolerance! The virtue that makes one bite their tongue to be able to pull their hair out. -Criss Jami.
-Humans are unique, since we have the ability to learn from the mistakes of others, but our aversion and desire not to do so is also incredible. -Douglas Adams.
-The hardest years are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes.
-The only way to get ahead in life is to laugh on the road. You have either to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache. -Marjorie Pay Hinckley.
-Any time you are able to find some sense of humor in a difficult situation, you win. -Anonymous.
-The best things in life make you fat, drunk or pregnant. -Anonymous.
-I never knew that a single noise could drive a person crazy, but then I had children and I realized that anything is possible. -Anonymous.
-Wisdom comes from experience. Whereas experience is often a result of lack of hope. -Terry Pratchett.
-Life is like a sewer, what you get from it will depend on what you put in it. -Tom Lehrer.
-Alcohol is the anesthesia that helps us endure the operation of life. -George Bernard Shaw.
-My life has no purpose, it has no direction, it has no goal, no meaning, and yet I am happy. I do not get it. What am I doing right? -Charles Schulz.
-Do not give up on your dreams! Still sleeping! -Anonymous.